What other people think of me is none of my business.  ~ Eleanor Roosevelt, Diplomat, First Lady

“She was looking at me strangely – what was that about?”

“He must think I’m an idiot for making that choice.”

“I hope I don’t lose her friendship over what I said.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have suggested a drinking game at the PTA mixer?”

How much energy do we spend on what other people are thinking?

More specifically, how much of that energy is spent on what other people are thinking about us? 

The truth is – if other people were thinking about us (what we wear, our choices in love and the way we parent our children) as much as we think they are – they wouldn’t have nearly enough time to think about themselves.  And let’s face it, humans need lots of time to think about themselves.

Can you imagine a life where you truly didn’t worry about what other people thought of you?

What if you had the opportunity to channel that energy spent on wondering, toward something different?  How many minutes a day would you get back?  How much more would you get done?

What if all that extra energy could go to you and the people you care about?

Clearly this does not mean you give up caring about other people or their feelings.  But it may mean giving up the chatter in your head and replacing it with a conversation (gulp!) or a deep breath as you let it all go (Ahhh.)

I know it’s not easy.  As people, we are connectors – we thrive in our relationships.  We want other humans to like us.  It’s a survival mechanism, really.  Even when we lived in caves – if you pissed enough people off – you found yourself sleeping under a bush.

So how can we find a way to connect in a healthy way – without bending ourselves into little pretzels?

It might be useful to start with the source; ourselves.  When we judge other people – and yes, we do.  Where does that come from?

If we judge another mother because she is not doing enough for her child who is struggling in math – or judge the woman in the next office because she is dating a co-worker; what are we really doing?

Could it be that we are just holding a mirror up and judging a part of ourselves?  And if others are judging us – could it be that they are just holding up their own mirrors?  Is any of this about us aside from what is in our own heads?

As intelligent women, we know we have to be responsible for our own “back yards.”  What if we truly took that on?  What if we pulled out all those weeds of judgment and planted beautiful new flowers?  And what if we let our neighbor be responsible for her beautiful garden too?

I can feel my shoulders relaxing already.

Coach Me Quick Tips for Cultivating Your Own Garden:

1. If you are concerned that you have hurt, confused or offended someone – ask them.
2. If you hear yourself judging someone else – ask yourself – how am I judging myself right now? (You may be surprised by the answer.)
3. Remember that if you don’t take care of you – you will be in no shape to care for anyone else.  So letting your own self-care go because someone else needs you more – does not fly.  They need a cared-for you – not a hanging-by-a-thread you.
4. Where do you feel insecure?  How can you build your confidence?
5. If you see an opportunity to judge, ask yourself if you also see an opportunity to lend support.
6. If you see an opportunity to judge, but no way to offer support, remember that no one knows the full story in anyone else’s life.   We barely know our own stories.

Remember, what other people think about us is none of our business.

What we think of others is none of their business.

What we do in the world matters.

Minding my own business in L.A.

Jamee

Photo credit: James Vaughan via Compfight

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