Why do we try to fix our children or fix things for our children?
When my son was teased by snot-nosed Billy in 1st grade I wanted to march over to Billy’s house and give him a piece of my mind. I was a jumble of emotions – like a trash can that someone should have emptied last week, I was overflowing with garbage; anger at a 6 year-old, sadness that my son had to feel those difficult feelings, panic that I couldn’t protect him and a firm resolve to “fix” the situation.
After all, as a mom, I’m a fixer.
I fix stomach aches, headaches and heartaches. I can fix breakfast, lunch and dinner, skinned knees and bad moods. And I have a team of fixers that back me up from the dentist to the tooth fairy and Santa (well, some of that is me but don’t tell anyone.)
Part of the job is to make things right – find the right school – teach values and make sure our children are getting their needs met.
But when do our children get to fix their own problems and face their own challenges?
It’s a line that is hard to see and so easy to cross. When they are little, there are fewer opportunities to let them take the lead. But as they grow, we can help them to sort these things out on their own with us as their back up and sounding board.
As always, if we can separate our own discomfort from what our children are going through – we have a fighting chance of pulling this off.
In other words, the next time our child doesn’t get the part, flunks out of Spanish or gets turned down for a date, we may feel like we’ve been kicked in the stomach, but we can sit with that and help our child respond to their challenge.
We will always step in to keep our child safe emotionally and physically. But it seems to me that our essential job is to help them to navigate the other issues so they can do it on their own one day.
Coach Me Quick Tips for Giving Up The Fix:
- Notice that your child is perfect as she is.
- Listen to the intuition that tells you, she will gain knowledge from her mistakes.
- Give up the idea that you know which of her choices is a mistake.
- Let go of thinking you have the answers.
- Remember you are perfectly imperfect, also.
Letting things be in L.A.,
Jamee
p.s. I’m a work in progress on this issue, but I was inspired by the Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto, written by Brene Brown, PhD. In her book Daring Greatly.
Visit here to read: http://www.oprah.com/own-supersoulsunday/blogs/Dr-Bren233-Brown-The-Wholehearted-Parenting-Manifesto
Photo Credit: Trey Ratcliff via compfight
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