In this world of technology, we have gotten used to being able to be in touch with our children instantly. When I was a child, if my mother went out for a few hours and left me alone at home, I would wait by the phone for her to call and check in on me. There were no cell phones and no internet. I had to build the muscle of patience and trust.
Now, I have all but lost that muscle. I was recently on a 16 hour flight. 16 hours when I was unable to reach my children and they were unable to reach me. The fact that they were in good hands, cared for by people I trust, did not assuage my anxiety. What if they needed me and I couldn’t respond immediately?
As the plane took off, I felt my anxiety build – not about how I would survive 16 hours of flight (4 episodes of Boston Legal, 3 naps, a change of clothes, 2 movies, finished a book, started a book and 10 walks to the galley for water) but about the possible problems that could arise at home, that I wouldn’t be able to solve.
When I got off the plane I checked my cell phone for messages and texts. Knowing that it was 2am where they were safely at home, I didn’t want to call. But I did feel the need to check to see if they had called me and was relieved to learn they did not.
I’d like to think that this is about being a good mother, or caring for my children. But the truth is that I have gotten used to a high level of control in my life and it is time for me to let some of it go. I no longer have the control – the control has me.
One of my children will soon leave for college and another is well into the teenage years, with the freedoms and responsibilities that accompany that time in life. I am called upon to trust them and trust myself that I have done my best and that all is well even if I am not there to protect them.
My family is the center of my world around which many aspects of life orbit; my job, friends, extended family and personal goals and interests. It is true, I have it all. The good news is, I don’t have to control it all.