You and your child are running a marathon of sorts.

A college marathon – one filled with sprints, long uphill climbs,  exhilaration and exhaustion.  And the two of you are slogging through quite a few phases along the way:

Phase One:  I’m More Excited Than My Child:

This is where you find yourself on college tours – wishing YOU were the one going off to school!  The library looks amazing – the “quiet floor” for studying is your idea of Heaven on Earth.

You want to take every class offered and try out every Major.  Look at all the choices on the salad bar!  You consider going back to school for your “Masters”  and your child is wishing you would.

There is an opportunity during Phase One to put your child firmly in the driver’s seat, but it can be very hard to do.  In our desire to “help,” we may not give our child the freedom to shape their authentic choices.

Where are we guiding too much?  Where do we need to step in?  How can we let our child know that we are there to help but not to take over?

We have spent most of our time as parents in the lead, but this is where we have an opportunity to take a step back.

Phase Two:  I’m More Anxious Than My Child:

This is where you repeatedly ask your child how she is “doing” with her college essays.  She sees right through you, of course – and no, she doesn’t need help.  Really Mom.  Really?  Really.

She will either get it done, or not.  That’s kind of like life, right?

But how to navigate between support and suffocation?  If you know that your child is in danger of completely tanking when it comes to deadlines – you may have to check in more often.  But, if you are simply checking in because you are anxious about her progress, stop.

Phase Three:  It Seems Like My Child Would Rather Sleep Than Work on College Applications:

That’s true.  Who wouldn’t?

If you think watching your child prepare to leave the nest is overwhelming, imagine preparing to be the one that is going to be jumping over the side of your cozy tree-top home, in hopes of flying before hitting the ground?  You’d be napping too.

Check in with your child by asking if there is anything you can do to help her.  Ask her if she is nervous or excited, or both.

Resist the temptation to keep asking your child if she is checking off her list.  Instead, engage her in a conversation about her life.

Phase Four:  My Child is More Anxious Than I Am:

This is where reality sets in.  The applications are out.  Now it’s a waiting game.

You worked through your angst back at Phase Two.  Now, it’s your child’s turn to worry and your opportunity to comfort. (Get in as many hugs as possible)

As important as college may seem – down deep you know that if she doesn’t get in to the school of her dreams, that may be the best thing that ever happened to her.

When we are in the college application process, it all feels very important.  When we are 50 and looking back on this time of life, the college search process gets put firmly in place, in the grand scheme of things.  You cannot convince your child of this – but you can remind yourself.

Phase Five:  You’re Going??:

This is where you realize that you have been instrumental in creating an environment (through your love and support,) in which your child feels ready to leave.  Remember that angst you got over in Phase Two?  It’s back.

If ever there was a time for a stiff upper lip, this is it.  You begin to wonder why you would ever encourage this child that you love beyond measure, to set out on her own.  Probably because of that loving beyond measure bit.  Darn it!!

Your child can see right through you – so don’t bother pretending that you are not a little sad to be saying goodbye to your baby.  But remind yourself that on the other side of sadness is excitement, pride and awe.  What a gift you give her if you let her know that she can fly and you can’t wait to see her take off!

Phase Six:  I’m Going:

This is where you are standing in your child’s dorm room preparing to say good bye.

You have purchased the towels and sheets.  You have set up the room.  You have met the room mate and the R.A. for your child’s floor.  You can sense that your child is nervous and excited.  So are you.   You give one last hug and walk out the door.

Try to let your child set the communication pace for the both of you.

It’s hard in this world of Facebook, texting and emails – but if you can allow your child to initiate communication – she will begin to see just how well she is flying solo.  The first few months may be the hardest for both of you – but you can do it.  After all, you have been running this race for a long time.

Phase Seven:  I’m back!!!: 

This is where you realize that college is simply a collection of goodbye’s and hello’s all strung together like a beautiful necklace of pearls.  Each pearl as distinct and necessary as the next one.

Congratulate yourselves on completing this particular marathon with grace!

Enjoying pearls in L.A.,

Jamee

Photo credit: Steve Crane via Compfight