Do you hear her? It’s your friend “Self-talk”, chattering away for anyone who will willingly listen.
In fact, she’s not talking to just “anyone.” She is just talking to wonderful you.
She’s talking about how you look today: “Why did you choose that dress? Not sure if the shoes match. You should have gotten up earlier to exercise. Why didn’t you stay up later to complete that project for work?”
When she’s done with your appearance and daily habits, she’ll probably move on to where you are lacking; as a mother, wife, employee and manager. You name it, she will find it and let you have it. She might even call you names like lazy, fat and ugly.
And she lives within all of us. “Self-Talk” is a hot mess, really. Like the most popular girl in high-school, she has talked herself into believing her opinion about you matters.
I know you have gotten very good at blocking her out. You are amazing really – you are able to live your life, enjoy your friends and parent your children, with that incredible racket going on between your ears! You’ve learned that you cannot be any louder than she is and that being reasonable gets you nowhere. The only options are to block her out or to try and appease her by following her instructions.
But just like high-school, your efforts often result in further alienation (from yourself) or being included with the popular and most offensive girls. (EGAD!)
There’s a third option! Let’s talk to her. Let’s lure her off campus to a cozy little coffee shop and have a congenial conversation away from all of her “friends” and the popularity contest she endures and imposes upon us.
Coach Me Quick Tips for How to have a conversation with “Self-Talk:”
- Take a moment and just listen to what she is saying. Notice how ridiculous it is. Would you speak that way to a friend?
- Ask her what her purpose is. She may be trying to protect you in some way. She may just be stuck in a habit. She may be repeating what you heard as a young woman.
- Acknowledge her for what she has done to “help” you. No matter how misguided, she thinks she knows what is best for you. Thank her for trying to make your life better.
- Once you have acknowledged her, let her know that she can help you in a new and better way – by letting you know what is working about your life. Ask her to remind you of your strengths and to give you an “atta-girl” when you create something new or achieve a goal.
- When you hear her go back to her old ways of criticism, gently remind her of what you now need from her; love, acceptance and adulation.
You are now the most popular girl in your life. Way to go!
“Atta-Girling” You in L.A.,
Jamee
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